Thursday, February 24, 2011


My life has been shadowed
For as long as I can recall
Filled with conflicts
And misunderstandings
I've walked many a fine line
Because I knew the cost
Of defiance or too many questions
Time passed
And I got older
And learned how to work around it
Sometimes you just have to do things
Draw a line in the sand
And man up and take a stand
And so I did...
I'd had enough
Tired of being bullied
Made to feel small
So there came a time
That I just couldn't take any more
And in a fury of anger
That had been hidden
All those years
Came out in a moment'
That neither of us would forget
Things changed that night
They were never the same
And that isn't always a bad thing
Its just a cosmic wake up call
And I took back the power
That had been held over my head
For all those years
Regardless of the circumstances
The truth and the consequences
There was no going back
I had revealed the power within
And I never had to use it
Ever again after that night
I revealed just enough to turn the tables
Take a stand...and everybody knew it
And then there came the day
Some months later
That I would embark on my first journey
Drive west into the sunset
And see the world through my own eyes
Ever faithful I kept writing
Momentary insights into my world
Imagination fueled by riding the Ninth Wave
Reaching places I had never dared enter
I walked a fine line
Looked over the edge
Traveled the roads at night
Till I almost reached a point of no return
Every journey has its perils
Some just come razor sharp
A double edged sword
And I still have the battle scars to prove it
Even if you cant see them
They are there
And as always the Universe felt it was time
To make my way back home
After nearly 2 decades
And going back was hell
I didn't feel like home
I didn't feel like me
And the old conflicts returned
That had been there since I was five
It was a rocky restart...finding who I was
Where I belonged
And coming to the realization
That everything came down to one person
Someone who offered love with a catch
Instead of how it should be
And I could no longer allow
This person to come between me
And the people I needed in my life
Ive asked myself this question
Over and over
What right does a person have
To control, manipulate, and set the rules
For anybody else but them
I missed out on a normal life
Wasn't told I had a baby sister
Had to listen to reasons
Why my real family wasn't around
Even though they were 10 miles from me
All that time...
And I wanted to believe...
That the things I had been told
Were true...because
If they weren't then there was but one answer
That I had been fooled by lies and fear
And all the pieces of the puzzle
Fell into place
This person who raised all of us
Was often the devil in disguise
Playing the same game with everybody
So I broke the chain
I went to see my real family...
For once I felt like I belonged
And I had made up my mind
That I had one chance
To become part of my family
That had been forbidden
By the devil in disguise
And when I returned home
I made up my mind to make the effort
To contact my father, and the rest
It was bittersweet.... and somewhat ironic
I had 8 months... to work out issues
And have the same questions answered
Because after all the years wasted
And making the effort to get to know him
He wasn't father of the year I told him
And we laughed at it because
What else was there to do...
So in March close to my birthday
I drove him to the hospital
And he never left.
He was in my world when I was born
And I was with him when he left it.
And I am so glad that I made that effort
All those months before
There are no regrets, I did what I needed
I accomplished something in a few short months
That most people take for granted
And one by one, the Loving Granddad,
And then My Grandmother slipped away from me
All those years wasted
And all because of someone
Who thought her word was law
And rulers always end up alone
I've struggled with my feelings
And my emotions , hard to hide
Swing between love and hate...
And there were times I have to stay away
Sometimes as long as a year
While I struggled with the aftermath
Of all these things that didn't have to be
But its a pointless issue now
And I'm still not sure about my feelings
She finally left this world
At 93...
The last time I saw her
She grabbed my hand, as I stood alongside the bed
I learned a lot in those fleeting moments
I learned its okay to love the person
And hate the things they have done
And its still a struggle for me
I have good days and bad days
And days in between...
And I try to keep it to myself
Because I'm not sure
If anybody else understands
Why I will be alone now
Till the day I leave this place
Where I will continue my Cosmic Voyage
Somewhere among the stars

© NINTH WAVE PROJECTS ~ 02/24/2011